Hey y’all I wanted to come here and just write things down that I think on a daily basis and how I feel being a mother with a child in the NICU. I know I’m not alone and I’m sure many others feel this way but sometimes it’s hard to remember that
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As I sit here and stare at my beautiful baby boy wishing I could take all his hurt away.
Feeling happy because he progressed then feeling devastated because he took a step back.
I shouldn’t feel this way because I should feel happy that my beautiful baby boy is alive, while some moms don’t get that.
But yet I’m still sad because my baby boy isn’t home with his family. Sitting here while trying to hold my tears back and wondering what the future holds.
Will I be the mom he needs me to be? Will I make the right decisions for him because he’s so little and needs someone to speak for him.
Should I stay longer or should I go home. Do my other children resent me yet because I can’t find all the time in the world to do it all? Am I good mother to them? Am I making the right choices? How do I know what is the right choice? My Kai is here all alone with no family but luckily we’ve had some really great care. He needs me, he needs my touch so he knows I didn’t forget about him. My other children and my spouse need me too. It’s so hard to not feel guilty. There’s never enough time.
Do I sleep or do I clean? Do I lounge around with my family or do I cook? Do I need some time for myself? No I need figure out how to make my time work for everyone.
Pray harder than I have ever prayed before. Feeling so guilty for not being excited when I first found out I was expecting, to now knowing I don’t know what I’d do without my Kai. He completes our family. This is a test of my strength, the Lord is testing me. He blessed us with Kai, he chose us to be his family. We are here to be his mother, his father, his siblings, his grandparents, etc.
Wondering when this part will be over, when we will look back at everything and say “Wow, we’ve made it through the hardest part!”
Thinking my Kai has been through so much in just under 3 months and he’s a fighter & a warrior! He’s endured needles, machines, X-rays, ultrasounds, & more things than I have been through in my 26 years of life. When he has his good days he loves to smile at me and that means the world! I love him so much it hurts! I love my family so much it feels unreal. I’m ready for us to all be a family.
Some words from me as a NICU mom ❤️
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