Do I want more kids?

Hello everyone thanks for coming back to the blog today. SO happy to have you all here reading this, it means so much to me. This post is something very personal but something I wanted to share. I have actually blogged before about how we had decided we did not want anymore children which you can read that HERE. I was also very open about how I reacted to my pregnancy with our Kai which you can read about that story HERE. Short version is that I was not happy at the beginning given our financial situation as well as our living situation.  We decided to continue and that we would make things work no matter what. When we found out about Kai and his medical issues we had no idea what to do. We were told our different options and we chose to continue the pregnancy and now we have our sweet little bubba Kai. He is 15 months and has a tracheostomy as well as some other issues. If you have been following any of our journey through social media you would know he was in the hospital for seven months before he finally came home. We became a medical family as Kai needs lots of attention and to be watched 24/7. We get in home nursing to help care for Kai. He has progressed so much since he has been home and he completes our whole lives.

Now since we thought we were done having children when that number was two but then we now have our third child it changed. Before any of the diagnoses I had come to terms with wanting to enjoy my what I thought would be my last pregnancy, to only have that shift. I was never one to honestly enjoy pregnancy but I did realize that carrying children is such a blessing. As my pregnancy continued I saw multiple doctors, had multiple sonograms, having a fear of the unknown.

Small version of Kai’s story after birth. HE spent 7 month in the NICU before he was able to join us at home. The reason I am giving all this information is because it has to do with if I really want more kids. One day I was thinking that Sam (Husband) and I had said we didn’t want anymore children but I started thinking about more kids. This was during Kai’s NICU stay and how I did not get to have lots of my first with my what I had thought to be my last baby. I was not able to hold him after birth as he was whisked away immediately to the NICU. I was not able to breastfeed him like I had wanted. Breastfeeding is such a special bond that I was able to share with my other two kids that I did not get with Kai. I could not hold Kai whenever I wanted, I had to ask nurses to help me pick up my own son because of all the wires and cords he was attached to. I didn’t give him his first bath, I didn’t change his first diaper, lots of things I feel like were taken from me because of being in the NICU. Now we have a bond and he knows me and knows I am his mother and that will never change. Something my husband said to me when I expressed these feelings. He said “You shouldn’t feel sad because you had those with the other babies.” And yes he is right, I got to experience all these things with my other two children, but I also thought I might possibly have more children so I was trying to take it all in as much as I could. While of course that sounds selfish as if I didn’t cherish them with my other kids. I absolutely did and I remember all the special moments. So my question I have to ask myself is do I want another child because I really want another baby or because I feel like I missed all these special moments that I might have taken for granted before. I also have other things to consider. I am not a happy pregnant lady, I have lots of back pain. I would have to have another C-section, I would be giving up my body again to changing hormones that hinder my personal relationship. There are a lot of factors into what I really want. So only time will tell what our decision is as a family.

Thank you all for coming today and reading something very personal and close to my heart.